The quality time with friends, the bed linen, the finance admin, the toys, four people’s clothes, repainting the house, sightseeing in London.... Somehow it all needs fitting into life in the next six weeks. Either by squeezing it into a box to float across the sea, shutting it in my shed for a 2yr hibernation, or the most precious of items will make it to a coveted spot on the plane. People are becoming like items, the most coveted spots of evenings and weekends are already allocated. If you’re not already in the diary I think it’s probably too late; you’ll have to come to my house on a Wednesday afternoon and help me clean a cupboard. Everyone and everything is getting squeezed in someway.
The number of choices we have to make on a daily basis is overwhelming. Some days I can’t think straight because there are so many moving parts in front of my eyes. Other days I can only think about one thing obsessively. On those days I suspect my brain craves simplicity and just blocks everything else out as a way of resting.
I’ve carved out “rest days” for myself, like this weekend when I planned to do nothing with friends. And I did, because that’s all I can do. It seems to be all or nothing. When I stop and rest I feel empty, my brain is a void. It takes me 24hrs to reset and find the power of conversation. I had a lovely restful weekend. On Sunday I felt normal. By Monday night I’d wound back up to full speed. It takes another 24hrs to gear up again. By the time the kids were in bed my brain was racing through how to make the most of every available minute and consequently was unable to hold a civil conversation.
Today I’m going to try and find the middle ground. I’m going to see if I can find my balance. Surely if I’m calm and steady, one hour, one day at a time I’ll get there in the end and it will somehow all fit in.
And if it doesn’t? Well, I tried my best, and that’s good enough.