I feel wild in my soul. Like all the binds and ties I’ve been building and nurturing for years are loosening.
I’m listening in a different way. Despite the overwhelming amount of admin surrounding me, I’m ignoring a lot. I’m the most reckless and carefree I’ve ever been since having children and I love it. They are responding differently to me too. We are all changing and we’ve not left yet.
It’s liberating. I’m sure it will feel uncomfortable for some people. On some level it’s not kind. I don’t mean to be distant or unkind. But to handle the size of the thing I’m doing I need intentional solitude. I want to retain my role as a Mum and as a partner to Mark through everything. No other person, event or activity can override that. No matter how compelling it seems within this moment; everything else takes second place. I am leaving. I need to adjust to an independent way of operating.
It feels counter intuitive to pull away from the people I love most just before I leave them. Yes I know you want to share more. I realise that time is limited. I suspect I
will regret this feeling in a few months time. I think I’m making you feel sad. But I’m doing it anyway. Isn’t that the stinger.
It’s a survival tactic. I know your emotions are there, but I can’t let them in. When I get on that plane in 4 weeks from now I have to do it feeling strong and sturdy. Like a mountain that my children can look up to. If I absorb other people’s emotions I’ll cry and crumble in front of them. Once or twice is ok, but I can’t do that for a month in front of the girls.
I need to be prepared for the fact that when we land we’ll be alone from that day onwards in the wild west.
How can you help me to remain strong?