Yesterday, after missing my yoga class, things started to get better.
I started to clear out. I emptied a room that was full of rubbish and started to create a zone of my own. My room has a lovely view, lots of space and a peaceful energy. I took some time out to do some meditation and accept the emotions I was feeling. It helped. I had a cry. That helped. I ate a salad. That helped. I lay in the sunshine and fell asleep. That helped. I decided not to do the chores I had planned and found a hike to do instead. That helped a lot.
I powered up a very steep hill on a rocky unstable path. The trail was covered by beautiful deep green forest and strikes of sunlight. After 2 miles of peaceful nature I felt regenerated. My legs still felt weak and my heart was beating fast. But my soul was at peace.
From the peak of my mountain I enjoyed watching paragliders use the wind that had unsteadied them to launch off into the blue above the view. On the ground those fragile bodies, tied to a billowing canopy, were tentative and unstable. In the air they were graceful and free. They soared and circled in unpredictably beautiful ways.
On the way up I realised that the feeling in my chest was the same one I’d endured for weeks before we left the UK. I used to feel it on my way to work most frequently, because that was the longest pause I had in my life. Then it was accompanied by fear and anticipation, which felt exciting. Now I’m feeling it for whole days at a time, and it’s real. That weight in my chest is the loss of friends and fun connection. It’s the absence of family and familiar conversation.
Now I’ve given it a name I know how to play with it. I can release it. I let it go as the wind blew across me on my mountain top.
As I ran down the trail back through the trees, over roots and rocks, I felt free and jubilant. It feels hard to live without that love in my life, but I’m grateful to be loved and to love. I’m free to be who I want to here and I don’t need to accept any expectations of what I “should” be doing. I have something valuable to offer and it is enough, as I am, each day.